Single. Taken. Single.

This is the short story of how I gave up on fantasy. Hope for a long-term relationship is still vivid, however, I learned that there is a difference between wild fantasies and dreaming for someone tangible.

I am selfishly thinking about me for once. This is needed since I have been focused on other guys the past 11 months.

The third boyfriend (Mid-August to October) was my best friend, The Englishman [search]. I was naive to believe a best friend would make a better boyfriend. I was blind to expect the friendship would continue as openly as before the relationship. All I expected was honesty and open communication but there were two things happening in his life in which I was blocked from.

The most important factor was that he was dating someone. Never mind the fact he mentioned he was not interested in anyone here because he was too English to understand Americans. Mind you, he lived in FL for a great majority of his life. I felt he backhanded me emotionally by not mentioning he was bringing a date to the birthday party I was also invited to.

He neglected to greet me when I walked in and through out the night. The following day, I called him out in a facebook status as a hypocrite. After months being a great friend to him, I committed one misstep and he decides to end the friendship altogether.

‘Tis Life

So now I am taking approach to insure I will not be scammed the way I was. I rely less on my dreams of a soul mate and I don’t let lust intefere with genuine feelings of devotion.

Borrowing the lyrics of Alicia Keys, I got burned but it’s a lesson learned. Ah, the story of my life. I wish I can learn about life without getting burned.

So it begins. The third era of single life.

–V.Jay

[Archives || Second Era of Singledom]

Second Era of Singledom

To be single again and on the prowl… Rawr! Its nothing like the first time I was single after the first boyfriend. The second era of singledom has been simply more interesting. It has been two weeks and I have met, slept over, partied, and have had more issues with keeping my pants on than I normally had in the past.

Disclaimer: As you read the following, keep in mind that I am very new to relationships and the dating scene. In other words, don’t pull a “Duh, V.Jay!” judgement .

The breakup and coming out to my brother has been a great shot of motivation to put myself out there, even more than before. I have listed a few platonic ads on Craigslist and I received many replies but it seems only one guy will work out a meeting time and place for us to hangout.

I have prowled around Gay.com a few times too many if you ask me. Its to the point I am complicating the dating scene further with all of these guys to think about. Who should I date? Should we be just friends? What happens if he likes me and I don’t like him? What happens if I end up being the clingy one?… You get the picture.

If there is one thing I have learned in the past two weeks, the most vital at the moment is to know how to date someone with no official terms and staying clear from a relationship until it’s appropriate. With all of the suggestions from my fellow bloggers and my best gal pal, I am able to cool things off and set myself back to reality.

It will be tough having multiple dates within a week’s time since I may be flirting with pseudo polygamy and hurting someones feelings, but for once I want to live a little and commit some tiny mistakes (I will aim to stay away from huge errors).

In the end of the month or summer I may have zero dating partners and no potential guys I may want a relationship with, but I’ll be grateful to have a few more friends in the process.

Here’s to the second era of singledom and a summer of defining moments!

–V.Jay

Adelante… Time To Keep Moving On

This is the new vindictive Breakup anthem of the moment… Morgan Page’s The Longest Road

Giddy up and gold dust, all the cars turn to rust
You’ve got no means for wanderlust
Pastel trailer park, stars so bright to hide the dark
All is quiet in the yard

If you are so frequently in love
If you prefer it all to me then my love
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and you’re just left there

Giddy up and gold mine, horse dust down time
Its my life, its my time, we’ve been gettin’ nowhere
Gold mine, different place, different time
Hold me down, Hold me down
Hope will be found, Follow me

I feel better now…

–V.Jay

[Lyrics || Morgan Page -- The Longest Road]

How Did It Begin?

Now that you know the short relationship ended. There is still a question left unanswered… How did it begin? Since many of you know how unnecessarily detailed I can get I will give you the cliff notes version that will be more suitable to bring the point across.

On Sunday April 6th, I met him through a Gay.com chat room (don’t judge me!). He sent me a private message and we clicked very well that we spent 12 hours chatting about ourselves and even planned the first date for the following day. I was in Orlando visiting my family, but its important to note that he lived in Gainesville. The following day, April 7th, he called me as I drove to Gainesville and talked how excited we were about the date that night.

Our first date was pretty sweet. He made dinner at his place and afterwards we went to a drag show held on the UF campus. I introduced him as my date to all of my friends present and enjoyed the show together. So much so, that we were holding hands and all.

The night concluded at his place, since he wanted me to sleepover and I obliged. In fact, once I came back from my 4-day trip on that Saturday, I slept over for the next few nights as well. Bliss was great and the moments shared were joyous. However it would not last.

On the first sleepover after he started working I noticed a change in attitude. Understandably tired, I decided to just let it slide but it seems I was to upset about the change to let it stay bottled up. Apparently, I aggravated him so much with my “bitchiness” that we had a conversation about love and infatuation… Yes, I let the L-word slip twice within the first week of our romance.

In short, it was a heart to heart conversation that left me crying by the end of the night when he brutally called me naive and inexperienced with relationships and I should not worry about the status of the relationship from that point on.

So days of worrying continued, despite the conversation, until my best friend advised I had nothing to worry about. That it was all part of the ups and downs of a relationship. I continued on, with my heart protected and closed off until he was ready to open up slowly.

Now I know that never was going to happen since through his actions and body language did all of the convincing that the relationship was at a stand-still. It took me a month before I decided it was enough but it was better now than never.

I dont regret what I have done and making the relationship official since I believe the most lessons you learn early on, the better my chances will be at a future relationship. One, two, or three guys down the line.

It was memorable while it lasted. Now my second shot at enjoying single life will not be taken for granted since I don’t have to worry about a shattered heart that much…

So there you have it, kids… The backstory that led to the end of a relationship.

–V.Jay

No Need to Apologize

It lasted one month and twelve days and you may be as confused as I am, but I promise a full account of my short relationship with my newly labeled second ex boyfriend…

I learned a lesson or two and I enjoyed the first eleven days of the the relationship when it was all biss. However, I closed my heart off when it was apparent he wanted to take things slowly. My “slow” meant progress, while his meant a complete and abrupt stop.

I just feel used and victimized from a future that, as of now, will never be shared with him. I am thankful that we ended it in good terms and will hang out with him as a friend at the very least.

Only time will prove my resistance against a broken heart.

–V.Jay

[|| img source]

Almost Done With Spring

I just noticed how much I miss the blogging world. Apparently, I am not the only blogger slacking with reading other blogs. So I forgive those who are too busy and thank those (I really appreciate it) who take the time to read about the latest happenings.

The spring semester has been a highlight since the first week. Remember when I wanted to rush a fraternity but got distracted instead to hang out with the new group of gay guys I met. That week almost seems like yesterday.

Then spring break came around and left me stranded back at Gainesville. However, I met The Englishman and a new friendship blossomed from that meeting.  All of this culminates with the sweet guy I now call my boyfriend. Sure, I barely knew the guy but I took a chance and decided to make it official and take things slowly as our relationship grows for the future.

I’ll admit that the relationship has gone to the reality phase already and it sucks. I have concerns to address with the boyfriend but the last thing I need to do is worry or be uncertain if he has not given me a reason to do so. I have lots to learn about relationships and love.

Summer is around the bend so I have to keep my mind focused until its over. In the mean time, thanks for being around and I am sure things will be interesting when I come back.

–V.Jay

Orange Update: Swamped Edition

Yikes! I need to fill you guys in. Hopfully people are still around. If not then I enjoy talking to empty spaces of the blogosphere…

Atlanta Trip: The trip was an amazing experience. I was able to compete, participate and meet with many people of the industry (I have not clarified what industry, yet). So after graduation I should know where I can go to work. Perhaps Chicago, Denver, Phoenix? Or I can stay in lovely Florida…

More Details on The Englishman: Well since the last time I posted an update about him it was between our first hangout on Friday March, 14th and our thirty-hour bonding marathon on sunday night and all of St. Patrick’s Day. When I say thirty-hour bonding marathon, I really do mean we spent thirty hours together with no sleep and just chatting about everything and really finding a connection. We spent the last few hours of Sunday night and Monday morning watching movies at his place. When time came for us to part our Spring Break and head to class we decided to play hookie and randomly execute a road trip to St. Augustine, FL. That has been a great day for me and our friendship was steadily grown from that point onward.

Semester is Almost Over: That explains why there has been little updates from my part… Sorry. But hopefully, time will adjust for me to get back to the rhythm. Perhaps a hiatus is in order so I can catch up on my blog reading and I can restructure this blog so it can be less about my day-to-day and more about my opinions of the lastest happenings. Perhaps I’ll throw in a few activist posts.

Random Guys: Yes, I am not completely proud on how a few of the hangouts from online guys ended up turning into a blatant hookup. lets say that I randomly hooked up and fooled around with three guys. One I am great friends with (hint) and two others I dont speak to.

In a Relationship: I was upset with these gay guys wanting me to be their boy toy so I decided to heed the advice from The Englishman to lie about being in a relationship to weed out all of the sleeze bags around. However, its complicating and my friends were wondering who this guy was when I listed from single to “in a relationship.” I told the white lie that it was a long distance relationship. Everything is alright, right? Well… No. About a week after listing myself as taken, I ended up finding a reason to not lie about being taken. In other words, Your Boy (V.Jay) no longer needs to lie about being in a relationship since I am in one already . Yes its awkward how all of this occured and I am just going to admit that my man was always the guy I was dating (if you can still follow this without confusion). Moral of the story: Don’t lie about being taken . More details on my boyfriend later.

Now… Since I am happily off the market, I am still going to keep this blog how it is right now. I mentioned about restructuring it but hopefully the essence will not change.

Anyways, this has been your Orange Update…

–V.Jay

Closer Than Close

Ah! How much I cravefor a time well spent with another guy. This day last year (Oct.16.06) I had my first ever kiss with a guy who in that same night became my first boyfriend (lasted exactly two months). Dreams and fantasy aside, I look forward to the day I can get closer than close with a guy to call my own. Here is share with you lyrics from Rosie Gaines’ “Closer Than Close.”

Close the door… turn out the lights
Turn me on with magical music… hypnotize
Lover man… so glad you’re here
Whispering our secret language in my ear
(…)
Let’s get close closer than close
closer than you could ever imagine us

Back to reality, I’m taking a short break for my studying (yes, more of that!). So for all of you newbies and slackers, go on and catch up! Next post will be about my overall National Coming Out Day experience last week.

–V.Jay

[photos via || GaySourcing]

From Aqualung to Kylie

Besides the all moral support I recieved, music was an integral part of the emotions I felt the past couple of days. So instead of dweling on the very depressing love song I was listening to Friday night. I got the idea of obsessing the crush I had in a more upbeat fashion from a conversation I had with the very lovely Rabid Mongoose (aka Jonathan).

Thanks to Youtube, one showing of “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” by the fantabulously sexy Kylie Minogue was enough to get me smiling again. Its not a song that encourages to forget those heavy crushes, but its good enough to embrace the fact that I have challenge to face right on. Perhaps by singing the tune about not forgeting someone will lead me to burn out the track and in turn this lastest crush?

Yes… This is the lastest song in the soundtrack of my life. Here I present to you, Kylie Minogue..

–V.Jay

Stay Cool Boy… Real Cool

It was not PMS or any sort of disorder, but I will admit it was quite an experience. Swinging moods from laughing histerically with a Friday night showing of the randomly hilarious movie Hot Rod, to having a tearful night thanks to a wickedly depresing love song accompanying my feelings for my roommate and having all of Saturday trying to soothe things out and cheer up.

I love blogging for many reasons, but the one factor that I will share with you is that blogging gives you the means to vent and rant. Sure, my last post may have been hard to follow because of the grammar and all of the nameless people I mentioned but I never said I was a fantastic writer. I can now look back and have a silly chuckle at how I reacted friday night and all of saturday. Its a bit pathetic now that I think of it, but sometimes you need to go through the pathetic stages to grow from that.

I’ll never be immune to crushes and heartbreaks and I accept that. I will always have feelings for my roommate now, but I will place it in the backburner just in the very slightest chance something will work out. In the mean time, I’ll move on to more things and better prospects. I’ll work on crushing on a guy I know for sure  is interested in guys for a change.

Thanks to all who gave me advice and cheer ups from the comments and IMs. You know who you are.

–V.Jay