Sigh of Relief

After coming out to the most important human beings in my life (Mom and Brother), there was a sense of uncertainty as I hoped my future would sort out for the best.  After 1.5 years in Gainesville, I finally know what the feeling of relief is after coming out to one of my three room mates.

Last night I had a nice chat with one of my room mates about Gainesville’s gay club. He visited the UC a few weeks ago with a gay friend of his. When he arrived back to the apartment, he bragged about being the first of all his room mates (including me) to party it up at the UC. Much to his surprise, I corrected him by revealing I have gone (plenty of times) to the UC. After a moment of pause… He gave me a curious look accompanied with a smirk on his face.

I did not bluntly come out to him that night since he was too drunk to understand the gist of my hints. Ambiguity would be the best word to describe the past couple of weeks without knowing if he comprehended the purpose of my confession. Last night, however, without uttering the words “I’m gay” he told me I had nothing to worry about since he respected me regardless. He was sure the same can be said with the other two room mates.

He also apologized in case all of the derogatory terms they have uttered the past 6 months has ever offended me.

As I laid in bed last night, I finally felt the relief associated after coming out. From this day onward I can live openly knowing my network of supporters have grown as I continue living. Further confirming there is still hope for humanity despite the existence of ignorance.

–V.Jay

Operation Orange Revelation: My Mother

Mission: Accomplished…

Besides the short stint of being in a relationship, another significant moment has occurred. It has been seven weeks since I came out to my mother. I still consider her a loving mother and she still calls me her pride and joy. That should sum things up very well.

Love triumphs over anything and I am proud that my fears of my mother disowning me (among other things) did not come true.

I was not expecting her reaction. She had a “so what?” vibe in her stare. She was not comfortable in mentioning my then-boyfriend by name (or even saying the word boyfriend). I later found out a number of people in my mother’s family who are also gay. Its nice to know I am not the only one in the family.

Despite the great reception from my mother and brother. It is not clear how I will go about dealing with my family. My mom has already told me she did not want anyone else in the family to know. I may have to take some pointers from my gay family members on how to approach that.

I’ll tackle that issue when I come across it. I am too excited to still have my family intact.

–V.Jay

[Archives || Operation Orange Revelation: My Brother]

Operation Orange Revelation: My Brother

My brother told me he liked smoking cigarettes. I told him I liked smoking cocks .

Its definitely not the typical coming out story, but from what I know not all coming out scenarios are played out at the same tune. When we were on our way to the mall, I was surprised to see him lighting a cigarette since we both helped my mom quit her addiction years ago. He explained that his habit started a month ago. My first instinct was to be anti-smoking, however that would be hypocritical of me to judge him.

Sure smoking and homosexuality are two different subjects. If I wanted him to have an open mind, then I needed to have my mind open as well. So I used that as ammunition.

“The more that I wait, the more time that I waste…” — Part of lyrics to Madonna’s Jump

I did not come out to him until later on at night since he was jamming to the radio while I was driving to another part of town after spending time at the mall. When silence came in as we were parked outside another outlet mall where we were waiting for his friends to stop by, I seized the moment and simply told him “I’m Gay.” Without any need to complicate things further.

He was shocked and later on told me he was quite surprised. When I asked what that meant he explained that he did not question my sexuality until a few months ago. I was speaking to one of my gay friends, flirting, and he had an impression it was a girl. When I said it was a guy, his internal light bulb turned on.

So overall, I was not an open secret after all. He supports me and we are still brothers. If I have someone to thank, other than God himself, it would have to be his gay manager who opened up his mind. It looks like there is a silver lining since my brother reassured that coming out to my mother won’t be as difficult as I thought.

One down. One to go… And don’t get me started with the roommates.

–V.Jay

P.S. Don’t you like the operation codename I assigned to coming out?!

Opportunity is ‘Within Reach’

This week my preferred Democrat, Barack Obama, is not the only one crossing a threshold. A series of events which includes my recent breakup and a few encouraging words from my group of close friends have motivated me to move passed the baby steps. Its silly, I have used that excuse for a while and I feel the time is right for something to happen.

If you were not one of the few that received my text message Wednesday night, I intend to come out to my family this weekend.

I have been ready to come out of the closet for a while, however a Plan B is yet to be thought out. I see myself picking up an enormous slack If the worst happens this weekend. So at the very least, my brother should be the one I am honest with this weekend.

It will be the deepest and most emotional confession I will, perhaps ever, tell him.

Ready? I should be… I am spontaneous and the desire of coming out this weekend was brought up very random as well.
Prepared? I will wing it since I think I know who to rely on…
How will it go? I have a feeling that it won’t lead me to be excommunicated. However, I am not sure if it will be smooth from the get-go. Life ain’t smooth PERIOD.

All I know is that an opportunity will arise and whether I am ready or not I am better off taking a chance at it since there won’t be another chance in a few months.

Summer Theme is coming to me again: Those who matter won’t mind!

–V.Jay

Almost Done With Spring

I just noticed how much I miss the blogging world. Apparently, I am not the only blogger slacking with reading other blogs. So I forgive those who are too busy and thank those (I really appreciate it) who take the time to read about the latest happenings.

The spring semester has been a highlight since the first week. Remember when I wanted to rush a fraternity but got distracted instead to hang out with the new group of gay guys I met. That week almost seems like yesterday.

Then spring break came around and left me stranded back at Gainesville. However, I met The Englishman and a new friendship blossomed from that meeting.  All of this culminates with the sweet guy I now call my boyfriend. Sure, I barely knew the guy but I took a chance and decided to make it official and take things slowly as our relationship grows for the future.

I’ll admit that the relationship has gone to the reality phase already and it sucks. I have concerns to address with the boyfriend but the last thing I need to do is worry or be uncertain if he has not given me a reason to do so. I have lots to learn about relationships and love.

Summer is around the bend so I have to keep my mind focused until its over. In the mean time, thanks for being around and I am sure things will be interesting when I come back.

–V.Jay

Orange Update: Swamped Edition

Yikes! I need to fill you guys in. Hopfully people are still around. If not then I enjoy talking to empty spaces of the blogosphere…

Atlanta Trip: The trip was an amazing experience. I was able to compete, participate and meet with many people of the industry (I have not clarified what industry, yet). So after graduation I should know where I can go to work. Perhaps Chicago, Denver, Phoenix? Or I can stay in lovely Florida…

More Details on The Englishman: Well since the last time I posted an update about him it was between our first hangout on Friday March, 14th and our thirty-hour bonding marathon on sunday night and all of St. Patrick’s Day. When I say thirty-hour bonding marathon, I really do mean we spent thirty hours together with no sleep and just chatting about everything and really finding a connection. We spent the last few hours of Sunday night and Monday morning watching movies at his place. When time came for us to part our Spring Break and head to class we decided to play hookie and randomly execute a road trip to St. Augustine, FL. That has been a great day for me and our friendship was steadily grown from that point onward.

Semester is Almost Over: That explains why there has been little updates from my part… Sorry. But hopefully, time will adjust for me to get back to the rhythm. Perhaps a hiatus is in order so I can catch up on my blog reading and I can restructure this blog so it can be less about my day-to-day and more about my opinions of the lastest happenings. Perhaps I’ll throw in a few activist posts.

Random Guys: Yes, I am not completely proud on how a few of the hangouts from online guys ended up turning into a blatant hookup. lets say that I randomly hooked up and fooled around with three guys. One I am great friends with (hint) and two others I dont speak to.

In a Relationship: I was upset with these gay guys wanting me to be their boy toy so I decided to heed the advice from The Englishman to lie about being in a relationship to weed out all of the sleeze bags around. However, its complicating and my friends were wondering who this guy was when I listed from single to “in a relationship.” I told the white lie that it was a long distance relationship. Everything is alright, right? Well… No. About a week after listing myself as taken, I ended up finding a reason to not lie about being taken. In other words, Your Boy (V.Jay) no longer needs to lie about being in a relationship since I am in one already . Yes its awkward how all of this occured and I am just going to admit that my man was always the guy I was dating (if you can still follow this without confusion). Moral of the story: Don’t lie about being taken . More details on my boyfriend later.

Now… Since I am happily off the market, I am still going to keep this blog how it is right now. I mentioned about restructuring it but hopefully the essence will not change.

Anyways, this has been your Orange Update…

–V.Jay

The Englishman

Who? What? Where? and How?

Dlist has finally paid off in surprising fashion. I have long forgotten about the Dlist profile I created over the Christmas holiday, but a great online friend of mine (remember Vegas Boy?) playfully “dared” me to search for more Dlisters in Gainesville and guaranteed I would have a reply from at least one of the few I emailed.

Eventually, the slugger was right and I got one thoughtful and exciting reply from a guy I will refer to as The Englishman. He is very cute and he has the genuine personality to back it up. Although he does have a boyfriend (long distance relationship), the interest for each other is mutual. Interest does not equal Dateability.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel an attraction for him but for some reason its a friendship I want to keep. Dating is not a risk I am willing to take.

Friday night we met at the local Panera and he invited me over to his cozy one-bedroom apartment and watched a movie. Due to this post being public I won’t say the movie’s name (I am paranoid like that) but it was not a romantic movie . Now, I am meeting up with him in a few hours and perhaps another movie night. We both have an appreciation for movies which is one of the many similarities.

It’s worth mentioning that there are many details I left off to prevent this from being an essay. But if you are curious to know more about anything then leave me a comment.

“I am off to see the wizard. The wonderful wizard of Oz…”

–V.Jay

Final Weeks of January: Part Two

(continues from Part One of Final Weeks of January)

The very enjoyable night continued after the dinner. I was able to be comfortable with myself, there was no hiding or worries if my gay mannerisms showed up. I was invited to a gay house party that LGBT guy was hosting. There was drinking, dancing, someone even stripped and gave me the first lapdance I had a guy treat me to. It was a fun night but what I remember most was the time I spent chatting with Miami Hottie. I got to know more about him and the same with me opening up to him. I was amazed on how genuine he was throughout the night. He is credited as the first guy I opened up to and as the most caring guy I had the pleasure to meet. He is also the person responsible, after several nights and conversations to lure me into the multicultural, and relatively lesser known, fraternities I will participate in the intake process in the fall.

All in all, my mind was overwhelmed but in a great sense of the word. So much so, I was not sure to dissect what feelings I had for Miami Hottie. At that moment, I felt great that someone was as interested in me as I was with him. I know that explaining everything in detail will make this post cumbersome but that night was just the beginning so here is the roundup of the time I spent with Miami Hottie….

Jan.14… Monday night (early tuesday morning): When I got home, after dropping Miami Hottie off at his place, I checked my facebook and accepted the multitude of friend requests I recieved from the dudes I met. Surprisingly, when I signed on to AIM, I recieved an IM from him. The conversation started at 1:00am and lasted to 5:30am. … As if Monday night was not enough V.Jay for this kid!

Tuesday (Jan.15): Miami Hottie and I agree to meet up after my class at 5:00pm to shop at Wal-Mart and go to the Dr. Kevorkian speech… I totally consider that night a “friendly” date! We did not hug or kiss but I would be a liar to say I would have refused either. By the way, he totally complimented my ass and he bugged me for not getting him a ticket earlier. It was all fun, though. His friends even joked I was a lousy date. After the speech by Dr. Death, who could not talk about euthanasia in detail because it would have violated his parole, Miami Hottie invited me to his apartment. Again, no dull moment but I always wondered if he truly was interested in me. I left his apartment at 2am. I promise… I still have my vcard.

Sidenote: Before I move into Wednesday, keep this in mind as I chronicle how I started falling for this kid… He mentioned on Monday he was leaving for the semester to Spain. We went to Wal Mart for two reasons, he needed to exchange his suitcases and I needed groceries done.

Wednesday: I only saw Miami Hottie for twenty minutes at another club meeting he invited me to attend (we are both very active students!). He introduced me to his roommates and his large circle of friends and acquaintances and then he left for another meeting he needed to be at. After the meeting, I pondered about everything. I called K and rambled on forever it seemed. About how I am rushing the feelings I have for Miami Hottie and that I need to confront him about it before he leaves for Spain. I wanted to know, back then, if he was flat out interested in a friendship or anything extra. But K had a point in two things… A long distance relationship will not work for any of us and 48 hours is WAY TOO SOON to know if the feelings I have for Miami Hotties holds true or not.

Thursday night (Jan.17): Again, I am invited to his apartment. This time he has LGBT guy over so we three have a nice time chatting about school and stuff. Miami Hottie was nice enough to cook me some pancakes (I am thinking: Dude! Why are your intentions so difficult to decipher??). That question was answered and the beginning of my “moving on” was apparent when a few things were dug up from our trio conversation. He last had a boyfriend in 2005 and ever since gave up dating essentially. Because he is so well known and popular around campus, I am was not the first and last person to have a crush on him. He is very deep in regards to love and if I would have confessed the premature feelings of infatuation to him, it would have been awkward. So he was better of not knowing it from me.

– — – — – — – — – –

So that ends the very busy and rollercoaster week. In the process of meeting people I learned plenty about the flaws I have. Pretty much, I am learning to open up without developing feelings for everyone that shows the slightest interest in me. Its hard to know where the lines of friendly flirting end and romantic feelings begin.

The following week I moved on as Miami Hottie left for Spain. Before he left town, I confronted and thanked him for his willingness to open up and welcome me to his circle of friends. I noticed a change in his interest level after Wednesday which leads me to believe he may have noticed I was developing “those” feelings for him. The truth is that I learned from my mistake, I crush for guys too easily, and I can only hope that once he comes back from Spain that we can continue on from the bond that was developed.

–V.Jay

[P.S. Now I can post about fun stuff about the latest news! Oh, I  also need to catch up with my blog reading... Among other things]

Final Weeks of January

Formerly known as: Best Week Ever, Rollercoaster, The Past Two Weeks, Sorry For The Delay, and finally January 2008

I left off from my latest whereabouts following the first week of the semester, my goals have rearranged quite a bit. Some of you know what I have been up to, but for those who don’t or need a reminder, I will take the moment to reiterate the previous plan.

I had the goal of rushing the different fraternities on campus, perhaps openly gay. On that Sunday, I attended a recruitment forum hosted by the fraternity council that governs the more popular fraternities on campus. Other than the typical :not fitting in” vibe and “Girls!!” being thrown about, the event went pretty well. Following the small informational session, the fraternities associated with the Inter Fraternity Council (IFC) had their respective table displays with the brothers around the student union promenade to promote their organization and entice the prospective “rushees” to visit their respective houses. Out of about 20 fraternities there, I visited about half of them and out of the approximate 10 I narrowed my choice to 3 fraternities. Overall, it was a great experience but was it right for me? It did not take long to find out.

In fact, I knew for sure by that Monday night (January 14th) that I would not attempt to begin with the rush week events. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to and it was all planned out for me to “rush” but in a matter of moments, Week Two of the Spring semester got somewhat overwhelming. Which led to my priorites to switch in mid-stream…. So, what happened?

Monday night was planned as followed: attend my second Pride Student Union meeting ever, and visit one of the fraternity houses. The Monday night that occured was: second PSU meeting, dinner with the new guys (more on them later), and a gay house party after the dinner.

Do you see how I got distracted from my Greek life that week? For a great reason too.

The very sweet LGBT guy, the guy from the LGBT office visit the previous Wednesday (January 9th), invited me to the PSU meeting and promised to introduce me into his group of friends. He followed through and I was thankful to meet a great group of guys. The night continued with a dinner hangout at a local establishment where I met another guy who could not make it to the earlier meeting. This new guy, nicknamed Miami Hottie, introduced himself to me and he pretty much clicked with me from the first moment… In other words, He had me at “Hello.”

The dinner hangout continued. I was overwhelmed because I FINALLY got the opportunity to meet these new guys (if it was not obvious by now, they are all gay) but the conversation never ceased. I spent time chatting with 5 of the 10 guys in our sizable group. Of course, LGBT guy and Miami Hottie was close by and we shared introductory background info and I brought up my goals of rushing openly gay on that same week. However, something was sparking… Miami Hottie was becoming more attractive and interesting.

The night continues…

–V.Jay

My Latest Whereabouts

I am two weeks into the new year and this is my first post of 2008!?! I sincerely hope that everyone had a great new year and an even merrier holidays. I do have an excused absence note and many of you will perhaps forgive me for the lack of posts. But don’t bloggers deserve holidays? Never mind that, I think all of you need a holiday from all this orange-ness around as well.

Rest assured, however, that I am working in setting up a routine so I can write and read blogs, do my UF-related school work and activities, and perhaps work once an opportunity comes by (I have been unemployed since August 2007 and barely living on those loans from the federals).

My new years resolution was simple “Make 2008 Great!” How will I make it better? I do have my small short term goals and gigantic long term obstacles to accomplish. So far its been a great start of the new year and the spring semester. I just hope that the snowball keeps rolling at a steady pace because if all works out swell… Well, that would be Fabulous!

this is not an implication of any sort

So what have I been up to? First, I am at week 2 of the spring semester and still surviving (‘Nuff said). Second, I visited the LGBT office at the UF and the nice lady there answered my questions and suggested to follow up on some answers to other staff members on campus. The first place I went to was the Counseling Center, fortunately there is an empowerment group for students in the LGBT community that meet at a weekly basis. Yes, I know that seems like a therapy session and I am not going psycho. In fact, I am not even depressed in any way. I think of that opportunity as a great social network with the ability to learn from other students like me and perhaps help them out as well. MySpace can do many things, except empower people. The other place I visited was the Office of Sorority and Fraternity Affairs because I wanted to ask a professional staff member for advice on rushing a fraternity as an open homosexual. Mind you, the lady from the LGBT office suggested me in going to the Greek Affairs office for a reason (they are not homophobic) so I valued their time and suggestions as I continue this “Rush Week.”

I made up my mind in how to approach my openness and it will depend on my preference and comfort with each fraternity. If the word “girls” is splashed out a lot… then I won’t even bother.

Well I have to go to class! I’ll keep you guys posted. Take it easy….

–V.Jay