Tree of Life

If anyone was fortunate enough to watch The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, this tree reminded me of the White Tree of Gondor.

This is not THE tree of life. It’s just a random almond tree I took a picture of when I was in Puerto Rico (with the lovely ocean as the background). I consider trees the answer why humanity still thrives in this day and age. It provides structure, food, materials, warmth, etc. Apparently there is a whole story behind the mythological importance of trees. From what I understand, one description of the tree of life mentions it as a link between heaven and earth. Quite deep, huh?

–V.Jay

[ptbO || 1958-2007]

Encountering Death

A year ago today my father passed away. Although my parents were divorced and my father lived in Puerto Rico, his death was still a process to overcome with grief, the seldom great memories I shared with him, and what could have happened if he lived his life to the fullest. Because of his issues with alcohol abuse, unfortunately I knew that it was inevitable. But when the news came, a cold feeling pierced through me… I was shocked.

The week of mourning and the months that followed has been alright. I managed to move on thanks to my faith and I know he is in a better place. I believe that God would not place an obstacle if I could not overcome it.

“Death tugs at my ear and says: “Live, I am coming.” –Oliver Wendell Holmes

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” –Robert Frost

So it has been a year since I encountered death. It took away one of the closest persons I had in my life. Since then I look at life and death at a different angle. I appreciate it and make sure that others know how much I love them. Death is quite unsuspecting but life can be so fulfilling if its lived the right way.

Te amo, papi. You were not the perfect human being. However, I was glad to learn the most important thing: you loved my brother and I regardless how humanly imperfect you were. And I loved you back, although I never showed it to you and I neglected to wish you happy birthday the week before you died.

R.I.P… 1958-2007

–V.Jay

P.S. On a lighter note. Rest assured I will update you guys with details about last month. I am working on them. .

Contemplation

After a nice Thanksgiving holiday with my closest members of the family (Mom and brother), its back to reality. The weekend before thanksgiving was somewhat expected. I did party on Friday but not at the gay bar in the city’s downtown. I participated in a scavenger hunt type of activity in the afternoon and then went to what we call Gator Nights. That’s where I met two girls, very lovely, and had a fun time at a game show we participated. While waiting for the show I hinted that I wanted to party for my first in Gainesville’s nightlife before the semester ended because I am such a fool that I have not already. They agreed, so at least I have clubbing buddies… Awesome!

Well, if I want to have fun and avoid the “why are you not picking up girls, and looking at the guys” question I have to come out to at least one of them. Preferably when I come out to both gals they’ll somewhat accept and respect my honesty, but if one seems to be intolerant than at least it was fun meeting them. They are best friends so I don’t know if coming out to them will be either they both accept or reject.

Moving on… that Saturday, we beat the Florida Atlantic University Owls (update: we also beat our in-state foe the ‘Noles from the school out west… Florida State this weekend) and Sunday was nicer because I went to the very natural Lake Wauberg park to Rock climb and soak up some nature.

– — —- —– —— ——- ——– ——— ———-

Now… The only unexpected thing that happened was on Monday night. I decided to ditch watching Heroes with my roomies and go to a Pride Student Union meeting. I had no problem with the organizational part of the meeting. I loved the participation of the topic “Homo for the Holidays” and such but my finger pointing lays on the fellow members.

Pretty much its much more difficult to befriend an openly gay guy than I originally thought. I expected it to be as smooth as meeting the fine fellas I have met through blogging and all, but that was a bit naive of me. Blogging and real life socializing are totally different. One key difference is when I meet a reader through AIM, they already know my life story sort of speak. Obviously, that’s not the case with socializing in a setting like a club meeting.

I felt trapped because everyone knew each other and brought someone along with them. Fast forward to after the meeting, I decided to join some in the group for dinner (hoping that it will be a better social setting). For the most part I did meet a few guys so that’s a start but the conversations were very general and whenever I brought up a topic (… seldom), it never carried over.

– — —- —– —— ——- ——– ——— ———-

I expected too much from the experience. So far, socializing with gay guys is nothing (absolutely nothing) like socializing with girls or straight dudes. I don’t mean to be Captain Obvious with that revelation but it surprised me that I felt so left out. I don’t know exactly if its just me or just that the chemistry was not there from the get-go.

So… I have concluded from that experience that if I am ever going to progress I need to include my friends from back home as my support group instead of meeting new people for that. Of course I have my reservations because I have the selfish attitude of “what am I going to get from coming out to my friends if it will do me no good if they are away.”

Its the series of events that occurred before Thanksgiving that has me in this latest mood I am in… Contemplative. Should I come out soon rather than later to the two new gal pals? When will I have the opportunity to come out, in person, to those friends that are back home or out of state? Will it finally help me out?

Yeah… Those are a few of the questions I am asking this week and I have final exams creeping up on me.

– — —- —– —— ——- ——– ——— ———-

It’s time
for me to struggle,
overcome,
and build some character. (…it’s cheesy but very true)

–V.Jay

A Love Slut No More

I learned about the sacredness of the L-word a little too late and with many mistakes made. For me it was no big deal telling someone I loved them especially if I really felt it and meant it. However, through the trial and errors of life I now understand that love has many dimensional meanings.

Yes, I love my mother! But is that the same love I feel for a partner? a friend? another family member? Love has its different meanings with other people, that’s obvious, but what I never knew was that its taboo to tell someone you are going out with ”I Love You” so quickly.

I was the first one to say Love in my previous and only relationship with a guy. Before that, I remember telling two seperate guys from an online conversation in different occasions I loved them. One accepted it, the other felt it was awkward which I know understand that it was odd to hear that from someone you barely know or have seen.

There are other instances I have used the L-word, catastrophically of course, but I’ll spare you the details. All you need to know is that I consider all of those a mistake in my part, with the exception to my ex-boyfriend. Who, I must add, found it difficult to “love me” or tell me he loved me because of past experiences. I thought that was odd in his part, but again, through the months after the breakup with my first boyfriend I have noticed that people may get that weird feeling inside when the lovely L-word comes into auditory reception.

The term “love slut” came to my vocabulary usage when I saw an episode of “How I Met Your Mother.” Ted, the guy, and Robin, the gal, are the couple and the whole episode had a story arc on how it was hard to mention The Word. When love was mentioned too early,according to Ted, it will lead to awkwardness and maybe a breakup. Thus, a love slut is a person of any gender who decides to say “love” very freely. The key however is that you can feel love between you and your other half, but be weary of when to say it.

My personal mantra is: You Live and You Learn. I lived through being so loving and I learned not to be a love slut again. Love is meant to be said sparingly.

–V.Jay

Pondering…

Just a small update for all you guys that I am really thinking about what I need to do when it comes to admitting to myself the truth about what I am (gay or bi). Of course, my personality and purpose in life is bigger than my sexual orientation. There is more to life than what gender I am attracted to but its negligent for me to ignore the fact that I am in a state of uncertainty even more so now than before I had my first relationship with a dude. In other words, it does not matter what I am because who I am will never change.

What are the setbacks stalling my efforts of progress?

It has to do with my faith in Christianity and the likelihood if the terms Gay and Christian can coexist. I know people who believe it can. I hope it will coexist in my life and its up to me to find out by talking it through with people I can confide with perhaps it may require to visit religious groups and churches that are at least tolerant with homosexuality.

when I am lost in thought and frustration… I tear things

It has to do with me not having any intentions or desire to date a girl and truly find out if I am indeed gay (but was always denying without intention) or bisexual… A term, lifestyle, that is even questioned among gays that there is no such thing. Is there some reasoning for that? I believe a guy can be attracted to both sexes but to what degree do I fall under? But back to the first statemnt, the only way I will know if I am attracted to girls and that I can truly love a girl despite being attracted to guys is by trying to date a girl at least once.

Those are the setbacks that have been delaying any sort of further progress on my part. The only way for me to know anything about my true sexual orientation is to find a solution, pronto! Gainesville and UF is the great place with the perfect timing for me to fully explore with no real limitations. I am free from the two people I am hiding this from: Mom and younger brother.

But keep this in mind if you are going through the same rough patch or at least a similar struggle… Expect the unexpected because for every step forward there will be two steps backwards taken. I am not expecting things to get easier when I admit to myself that I am gay. Or that the sun will shine brighter when I am out in Gainesville and that I can FINALLY find a nice guy to befriend or date.

I will hope for the best and expect the worst… as bad as it sounds, but its true.

–V.Jay

What Now?

So for something thought provoking lets open with a statement almost everyone can agree. “It’s not easy being gay!” Its a thought that crosses my mind many times and I am sure there are hundreds of guys and gals out there that question not only their sexuality, but also the reasoning behind a burden like this one.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t share the point of view that being gay is bad or that I wish I were straight. Some burdens are great to have because their challenging in nature. In my case, questioning my sexuality has been an ongoing struggle that is amplified each step I take. Every time I accomplish something regarding myself and my sexuality, there are other questions and obstacles for me to resolve.

Right now I can say that I have settled down for a bit. With the assistance of my new (and growing amount of) friends and the resourceful Logo TV, I feel more comfortable to explore and find the answers to the questions I have. So far, one question is answered for sure. I am attracted to guys and because of that I am curious no more. Will I be accepted by my family (my mother and brother)? My gut instinct says yes because of the eavesdropping and conversations I have heard. But most importantly love is what prevails over differences. I have always loved my mother and since my father’s passing my brother and I have been closer.

Now comes the other questions I need to resolve. Do I really love girls as much as I adore guys? Is it possible to love a girl without having any lustful desires like I crave in men? Am I really bisexual or am I denying the fact that I am really a homosexual?

What will happen now? What’s my next step?

I know that lady luck is on my side in respects of progressively coming out. But the only thing consistent about luck is that it always changes. I have in mind to use my time in Gainesville, away from my brother and mother, to really explore with virtually no boundaries. But that will come with a set back… Intolerance, hatred and conservative minds will welcome me when I am truly honest with myself. The best way to defeat that is to look onward and debunk stereotypes, rid misconceptions and change the outlooks of those who are so blind they can’t see. We are all human with our differences and flaws, but that makes no one better than the other. Hopefully with that mentality I will go and experience one heck of a life up at UF that I think would have never happened if I stayed at home in Orlando.

I am not alone. I have quite a tight-knit group of friends that I chat with all the time. You all are going, or went, through your pathways. It’s not easy because it never was in the first place… But I hope you understand that there is no reason to be afraid, to stay stuck, or to live a life of denial. The same way you are here for me, I am here for you.

Until next time, take care….

–ViJay

I Wish You Enough

I am not great when it comes to goodbyes. In reality they are more like “see you later” unless you know for sure that its the final time you’ll see the person (an aging grandparent, a loved one with cancer, etc.). This topic was discussed in my alma mater’s high school graduation by a different principal. She talked about wishing people enough.

She explained about reading a story of a father bidding farewell to his daughter about to depart out of the airport. Later, I found out that the story was first told by a guy (not related to the father and daughter) that does motivational speeches and presentations. His name is Bob Perks and he, as well as the re-telling from the principal from my former high school, mentioned this poem-of-sorts.

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much
bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Goodbye.”

This strikes a nerve in more ways than one. First, I never said goodbye to my father before he died earlier this year. I didn’t live with my father so it was hard to call and even say the simple thing as wishing him a Happy Birthday. He died a little over a week after his 49th birthday and I never called him to wish him well.

In a lighter note, this is also a reminder that I am moving out of the house to finish my last two years at the University of Florida about two hours north of home. Its still a month away but my mother is already going through the withdrawl effects telling me that she will miss me tons!

I might cry when we bid farewell, but instead of a goodbye or a see you later… I’ll wish her enough happiness to keep her spirit alive. I am wishing she does the same. From now on, it may be nice to wish all your loved ones enough so they can live their lives as well.

–ViJay

[http://www.bobperks.com/wish.htm]

June 30th, _ _ _ _

1688 – The Immortal Seven issue the Invitation to William, beginning the struggle for English independence from Rome which would culminate in the Glorious Revolution.

1953 – The first Chevrolet Corvette rolls off the assembly line in Flint, Michigan.

1960 – Congo gains independence from Belgium.

1966 – Mike Tyson, American boxer, is born

1984 – Fantasia Barrino, American Idol champion, is born

1985 – my male mistress and Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps, is born

1986 – I was born. The U.S. Supreme Court rules that states could outlaw homosexual acts between consenting adults.

1997 – The first book in the award winning Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling is published.

2005 – Spain legalizes same-sex marriage.

2007 – I Turn 21 Years Young!!!!!

–ViJay

[Wikipedia || June 30]

Babe On The Way

What kind of babe is it? Well, I’ll give you a hint… I am getting a Dell!

Sure it ain’t Apple, but beggars can’t be choosers when Mom is paying the bill. Its a great way to begin the Birthweek (June 29-July4).

My customized babe will ship and arrive in mid-July.

–ViJay

[img source]

8 More Things…

As if my 100 facts were not enough, here comes a reprise for 8 more things about me. Thanks to Justin for tagging me along.

Lets see if I can make this interesting.

1. In light of my 21st Birthday being less than 24 hours away (I was born around 1:15 PM), I decided to confess about the time I was a bit borderline drunk. I was acting strange and a bit tipsy on the Margaritas, but the extended family rarely noticed it. This was back in Christmas 2005.
2. I despise beer. I prefer wine, the fruity cocktails, daiquiri, and mixed drinks.
3. Gay stereotypes that will really fit me is that I enjoy watching beauty pageants, gymnastics, and figure skating. I enjoy interior designs and critiquing celebrity dresses and outfits come Oscar night.
4. I am halfway through and having trouble… Lets see… I am very easy. I mean, I am easy to find something humorous to laugh about. Laughing and watching comedy is a cheery remedy after crying my eyes out when I am in a somber mood.
5. I have a healthy obsession with rings. I like love wearing rings. I only wear one on my right ring finger at a time, but I do have a collection to accessorize.
6. I find tattoos hot on a guy, especially as a bad boy image, but at a minimum. I do not plan inking myself with anything any time soon.
7. I am addicted to Gay porn, but am I stating the obvious? I think everyone is.
8. I love it when people leave comments! Especially the nice, sweet ones but I can deal with a difference of opinion.

I am not going to tag anyone because I think my circle of bloggers have already been tagged or just not interested. But feel free to post it in your blog if you want to tag along.

–ViJay